What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:59
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So whats the point in blame.
Why won't my mom let me come home if I'm homeless?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What is the happy reality of our generation?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Who is Meghan Markle and why is she so controversial on the Internet?
She wouldn,t have been !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot live in the past .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When she asked me how she looked .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was very sick at this time too.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She found it foreign!.
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.